13 December 2024
I came across a thread on Reddit recently about small talk that had a fair share of potentially bad advice without essential additional clarity and insight. The word “small” here is definitely not in reference to its significance—it’s an incredibly powerful first and necessary step to establishing deeper, more impactful relationships. Honestly, though, I think there is a place for small talk that stays small, too. These interactions can bring so much joy to each day depending on your ultimate goals.
While I had always said I lived for small talk and working towards acquaintanceships and friendships, I dramatically lost sight of this a couple years ago after experiencing a terrible injury and series of surgeries. This was the single darkest time of my life so far, and my initial response was to shut the world out, making it as small as ever during a time when I needed people the most. I became incredibly sad and resentful, reaching a rock bottom point until I decided to make the most of my limitations at the time and started Wiggle Work. The relief from reconnecting with people was profound and I was eventually able to leave the house again and get back to those small talk interactions that previously enriched my life so much. While a bit rusty, it’s been worth pushing through—small talk requires big bravery.
As I’ve regained this appreciation for small talk over this past year through personal interactions and some exceptional books, I wanted to jot down a few notes in reference to this potentially bad advice I initially spoke to. I think that it’s too easy to write ourselves off as being too shy or awkward for small talk when it doesn’t go especially well, but we’d be missing out on so much by giving up and not giving ourselves enough credit. Each individual has so much to offer, even when that doesn’t always feel like the case within ourselves—it’s incredible to consider how much overlap we have with interests, fears, and aspirations.
One new piece of advice I read within this thread that was highly upvoted, was something along the lines of: enter each room by saying to yourself “Everyone should want to talk to me”. There wasn’t a lot of support provided to back this up, so I was left thinking this might be the single worst advice around the topic that I’ve heard. Even if this is used as a confidence matra, I can’t help but feel the matra not only misses the mark, but will actively sabotage your goals and the overall experience of interacting with you. This approach fails to acknowledge the responsibilities of conversation. You are essentially a host in many ways, working to ensure your partner is comfortable, that topics are flowing, and that everyone is heard and thoughtfully considered. “Everyone should want to talk to me” is quite the opposite of being a good host by expecting your guests to do all this work.
Some older advice that I think can be problematic is “Just ask people about themselves”. When this is presented in an overly simplified way there is some critical nuance that is lost, mainly that the interest should be genuine and the questions open-ended. It also neglects to communicate that conversations are a give and take. So, what amounts to a one-sided interrogation will cause unspoken frustration. Further, how these questions are constructed is also important. For instance, questions that start with “Why” can generally be off putting and cause defensiveness.
There are also frequently used questions that can cause tension, such as asking someone about work or whether or not they are married. Rattling off any old question could set you up to be a bad conversationalist and listener. The best questions come from active, engaged listening. Defaulting to generic questions can make it too easy to not have to listen closely to better formulate these.
Another thing that falled flat within this thread was pitching the perfect icebreaker for others to use. I don’t really think this exists and thinking that it does makes the very prospect of initiating a conversation seem larger than life and too scary to even attempt. There’s also an underlying fear that not getting it just right will result in a painful rejection. While there are ways to craft a decent icebreaker based on the environment and other signals, it will ultimately be perfect as long as it works. Things get easier after this point since you’ll have more to work with as others start sharing.
Mastering small talk has such a huge impact on professional and personal relationships and growth—it’s a necessary first step to more substantial interactions. I’ll probably always be working towards getting better at it and some of the most helpful books I’ve read around the subject (directly and indirectly) are:
Together, these have helped me truly understand the importance of crafting the experience others have when talking with me AND my responsibilities as the person initiating the conversation or running a group, such as ensuring comfort, listening well, asking the right questions, and taking on the task of avoiding silent pauses.
